Kaoru's Attack

This is for a fanfic I'm writing.

"Ready?..." Haruhi started. "...Go!"
The twin boys ran as fast as they could. They spead down the street and when they reached the 11 block mark (11 blocks from Haruhi's apartment), Kaoru slowed down.
Hikaru turned around to see why his brother just suddenly slowed down.
"Kaoru? What's up?" Hikaru asked.
Kaoru didn't answer as he came to a stop and started to breath deeply. He leaned forward and put his hands on his knees.
"Kaoru?" Hikaru waked over to his brother. "Are you okay?"
Kaoru still didn't reply. He raised his hands to his chest.
"Kaoru?!" Hikaru started to remember back to when he was three years old.
' ' Nai slowed down in the middle of the race she and the Hitachin boys started. She started to breath deeply.
"Nai? Are you alright?" the boys asked the little girl.
Nai collapsed to the ground with at 'THUD' and..... ' '
'THUD'
Hikaru snapped back to the present only to realize that his brother had fallen to the ground.
"Kaoru!" Hikaru knelt down by Kaoru. "Kaoru! Kaoru!" He tried to lightly shake his brother and try to snap him out of whatever happened. He looked at his brother. What he saw kept reminding him of Nai. The way he was trying so hard to just breath, the pain in his face, the way he gripped his shirt and.....
"Hika-" Hikaru could hear both Nai from the past and Kaoru in the present trying to say his name.
"No....No!" Hikaru tried to help Kaoru get up. "No! Not again! Please!"
Haruhi finally cought up with Hikaru and Kaoru. She heard Hikaru, from a block away, yelling which made her want to hurry to the boys.
"Hikaru whats-" she saw Kaoru onthe ground. "What happened?"
"No!.......Not again.....NOT AGAIN!!!" Hikaru yelled.
"Has this happened before Hikaru?" Haruhi tried to talk to the frantic older brother. "We should call the hospital to bring an ambulance."
Hikaru heard Haruhi bring up the hospital.
"Ho-....hospital?..." he said under his breath.
' ' One of the doctors lifted up a knife and longed it into the girls chest. ' '
"NO!!!" Hikaru yelled at Haruhi. "No! Not the hospital!!! Not there!!!"
"But...if I don't.....Kaoru's condition might get worse!" Haruhi argued hestitantly. She was only trying to do what was best at the moment to help Kaoru. She grabbed out her cell phone and called 911.
Hikaru didn't want Haruhi to call the hospital, but he knew that it was the only thing that they could do. He rested his head on his brothers chest and tried to hold back his tears. The truth was.....Hikaru hated the hospital. Not only did he hate it....he was afraid of the hospital as well, ever since Nai had died.
"....please...."Hikaru said between held back sobs. "Don't die on me Kaoru.....you're the only one I have left.....don't leave me..."

So what do you think? Both story and art wise. =^_^= Hope you all are looking to seeing the whole story!!! (and this is a different story than the one I was posting up before with the Emo Hikaru pic and "Kaoru under the tree" pic)